I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
