Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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