did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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