I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
