I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
sarcasm needs its own font
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
