I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
