Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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