I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
