So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
