When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
