By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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