Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
did i just pee glitter
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
