You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
