Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
