she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
