shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
