if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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