Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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