I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
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