i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
