The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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