I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Randomize
