Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
my shit smells like andre
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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