It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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