Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
