Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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