U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
