you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
