Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
My ass is underappreciated
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
