it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
