My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
