When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
