They should really pass out barf bags in church
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
