Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.