Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
