If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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