The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
