his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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