I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
