I'm going to jail i love you
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
