how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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