bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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