And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
