How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
