In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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