How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
