but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
