You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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