it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Randomize
