Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
