ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
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When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
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Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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