Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
