I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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