Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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