Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
my being single is dangerous.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
