Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
