Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
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