Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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